Archive for December, 2008

what to write, what to write

December 2, 2008

I have no idea what I’m going to be writing, but I just feel like I need to.  I should have been in bed a long time ago, but for some reason I just don’t want to go to bed.  I guess I have a lot on my mind; a bunch of jumbled thoughts that bring about a variety of feelings and emotions.

I guess a lot of what my mind is wrestling over is frustrations of unmet expectations.  I have struggled with these feelings for a long time but the more I think about these circumstances and learn to deal with them as more of them occur, I find myself reacting differently than I did before.  Maybe it is because the more I’m disappointed, the more I learn that things just don’t always turn out the way I’d imagined them to.  I don’t know why I haven’t learned my lesson by now.  But I guess it’s not wrong to be sad and disappointed at things.  I mean, God did give us these emotions. What matters most is how we deal with the unmet expectations.

What occurred to me today is that the problem does not lie in the fact that my expectation was not met, but because I expected so much in the first place.  And it’s not only the expectation in and of itself- it is the high expectation that I place on things and people.  Things won’t always be perfect no matter how hard I try to make them be.  People that I love will hurt me.  People won’t always act the way that I hope they would or should.  There will never be any one person that won’t let me down in one way or another.

Another thing that I’ve come to realize is that I cannot expect any one person or circumstance to hold the key to happiness in my life.  Nor should I give them/it the power to steal my happiness.  I’m learning (very slowly, but learning none the less…) how to be comfortable in my individuality.  I can’t let anything or anyone define who I am.  Because what happens if that thing isn’t going well or that person lets you down or leaves you completely?  The thing or person that once defined you now has altered who you are.  This is so easy to say and I must admit that this has been a sloooow process for me, but I can say that I have grown A LOT in this area in the past couple years or so.  I was reminded once again this weekend.  I am proud of myself for being ok despite things that happen.  Of course I wish things would go differently sometimes, but all in all, I am ok when the disappointments come.  Because that’s life.